BaHumbug

I knew the Holidays would be hard. People warned me and I of course couldn't imagine a Christmas without you. It has been harder than I could have ever possibly imagined. I really wish I could just skip it this year. No Christmas....never before has that sounded good but this year it sounds great. Can't I just jump on a plane to Mexico for a few weeks so I miss this season, so everyday I'm not reminded about how much you used to do for us, especially this time of year. 9 kids, 3 in-laws, 7 grandkids and a husband and you somehow made us all feel so special.

I remember helping you on Christmas Eve a few years ago. It was the first time I realized how insane you really were. Stuffed bags full of gifts filled the entire attic in the cabin. And you directed;
"Those socks go to Dema", "There are 3 lip glosses in a target bag that go to Anna, Maddy and Me" "Red Optimus Prime goes to Brigham" " Green Rachet goes to Naki, do you think he'll like that?" "Make sure everyone gets a toothbrush, I think that they are in the smiths bag somewhere" " "Did you get Dad's jeans in the TJ Max bag?" "Do you need anything else for your family because I bought a bunch of extra stocking stuffers for you just in case you didn't have enough. "Now leave because it's my turn to wrap your gifts".

I walked out of the attic that night with my mind spinning a million miles an hour from all the chaos. I was floored at all the thought that you put into every gift. Including our stockings which were always my favorite to open on Christmas day. I've just found out that a personalized stocking that you did for us is not a common occurrence in every household. Not one thing you put in our stocking was put in there without being personalized for us....even down to the candy you put in there. The craziest part about that night is the lack of a list. You hadn't written anything down...it was all being stored in your head and you preformed beautifully. Everyone got an equal amount of presents. Grandkids were well taken care of. And the gifts meant for Christmas Eve were accounted for and put under the tree. I realized that the very few times that I opened a gift on Christmas day and it was Kenny's shirt or something else random that if that was the only mistake you made you should have been given some sort of an award. You were a Christmas genius.

You left some pretty big shoes to fill. Do you realize we will never be able to do Christmas as well as you did? Thanksgiving too. It is overwhelming just thinking about it. I just think about how many hours went into the Christmas presents but the food was a whole other adventure. Pies making, candy making, homemade rolls, etc... Everything was perfect. And all day you were in the kitchen preparing and then on Christmas morning again in the kitchen making breakfast. Never once thinking about yourself, only about us.

As a kid I always wondered why you were the last one to even get started on opening your gifts. We would always have to sit you down and make you do it. But I know realize it's because you were too worried about everyone else that you didn't have time to think about yourself. And how pathetic of us to get you an outfit and pretend that that was enough to offset all the many hours of hard work you put in over the Christmas season. That the outfit would be thanks enough for everything you had done for us.

Now do you understand why during this season I can't walk down the make up isle in target and see lip gloss and not just break down? Or every time I see a Christmas decoration be reminded of how magnificent your house was decorated this time of year and how my boys loved going over to your house too see all the fun things you had out. You were my Christmas, everything I did for Christmas had you in it. And I know it will never be the same and that I will need to face this holiday sooner or later because there are so many more years you won't be here with us. But just for this year I wish I could stop it from coming. I wish there was some way to avoid it.

Almost 3 months

Is that a good thing or a bad thing? In some ways it feels good because I never thought I would make it a week without you and now I have made it almost 3 months, it gives me hope that we will continue on and be ok. But mostly it is hard to think that I haven't been able to see you or talk to you for that long. It hurts that I am able to live life without you in it. I don't want to be ok without you, is that weird? It hurts that I am getting more used to you not being in our day to day lives. I know it is part of the process but sometimes I wish it was still only a week ago so that the memories could be as fresh as they were when you passed. The hurt was unbareable then but I least I had just talked to you and felt your love for me.

I need to take it down

Your obituary and funeral program are still on my fridge. They remind me everyday of what I have lost and I rarely look at them without getting a huge pit in my stomach. I have been trying to take them down lately but I just can't seem to do it. I do love seeing your face everyday. And I don't want to forget anything about you. I wish I could remember every freckle and every wrinkle (although you didn't have many). I wish our mortal memories weren't so flawed. As hard as it is for me to start forgetting those little things about you it is even harder for me to know that my boys will most likely forget you altogether. That kills me. I guess I will leave you up on my fridge for them....and for me. I love you.

Declaration...

So Dad told us right after your funeral that we had just stood up in front a whole lot of people and made a declaration of faith and that we needed to be careful to keep that. I was thinking "no problem, I've never needed the gospel more than I need it now in my life, this trial is only going to increase my faith." Well little did I expect that Satan would test us for the next few months without you here. I guess he wants to see if we are really committed. It seems like one thing after the other is going wrong. I'm not trying to complain but for some reason I thought that because we lost you we were exempt from other trials for a while. Wow am I naive. I have decided that it is not the big trials that test my faith it is the small ones after a big one that are the hardest to cope with. I know we are being blessed too. I guess I need to focus on those instead of the bad. It's hard to try to handle these situations on my own. You were always here for me encouraging me and being my greatest example. I love you and miss you.

Moving on...

Is there such a thing as moving on? I really don't think there is. I feel like life goes on but the pain of having you gone is still always there. I am getting more used to feeling that emptiness and hallowness. I know as soon as I wake up in the morning I will feel it, but it definitely isn't getting easier. I try not to focus on it because I know it will just cause me to break down. But then if I hold it in it catches up to me in a few days and it hits me even worse. I miss you, I really do. Please keep helping me push forward.

Cemetery

Yesterday I went to your grave site for the first time since the funeral. I know that is probably bad but I haven't been able to even drive past it, let alone stop at it.

There were beautful roses left on your grave, I wonder who they are from but I think I have a pretty good idea. It was good to be there and felt peaceful. I could feel you. I wouldn't say I could feel you close by, but at least I could feel you. I talked with you for a while, could you hear me? Can you hear me? I have faith that you can. I wish I could talk with you though. I wish you would tell me what to do. I wish you could hold me and tell me everything is going to be alright. I miss you.

UEA and Conference Weekend

Mom, this weekend was UEA weekend and your brothers and sisters went up to a cabin again. I wasn't able to go and honestly i don't feel too bad about it because I know how hard it would have been. Melissa went and said it was painful.

It did get me thinking about all the times we went to Grandma's cabin over UEA weekend. It was my favorite trip of the year. I loved being around the cousins with the crisp fall air. Playing in the creek, flag football, night games, Grandma's hikes up the road while she sang the whole way, and of course the homemade doughnuts.

I loved seeing you with your family. It always seemed like you could let go and really be you when you were around them. We would make fun of you when you were cheesy but when you were with your sisters you could be cheesy and silly with them. I know how much you loved your family and how much you liked to be with them. You passed that on to me and for that I am grateful.

This weekend was also conference weekend and we went up to Bear Lake with some friends. It was a nice break from the every day grind and very relaxing. I was thinking this conference of the times we would go up to La Platta for fall General Conference. The leaves were beautiful and we brought the radio with us and listened, had a picnic, went on hikes, etc. It was a really great tradition that I think next year I will start with my own family. There is nothing like being surrounded by all of God's creations while listening to inspiring talks.

Both of these memories just remind me of what a wonderful mother you really are. You gave so much to us to create such beautiful memories. I wish they could be sweet right now but they are still very painful to think about. Someday though I hope to look back without feeling that deep pain but feeling gratitude of the time I did get with you. I love you.

Failing...

Today has been a really difficult day. One of the most difficult so far. So difficult that I couldn't even go to church today. I was just a wreck. I feel so bad not being able to magnify my calling right now. I am so behind and know that I am failing. I wish I could pull it together and do it. Our Relief Society President really deserves someone better than me. It is her making my life easier and my entire calling is to make her life easier.

I feel like a failure in most aspects of my life lately. Being patient with my kids...failing. Keeping my house clean and organized....failing. Having food to eat...failing. Being a loving and supporting wife....definitely failing. Magnifying my ward calling....failing. Excersising and eating well....failing. Being a good friend....failing. Being organized and timely with my business....failing.

I feel so awful to all of those that I am letting down. I know it's been a month and things should really start getting better for me, but they are not. I am trying to be strong but in all reality I am failing at that as well.

Getting up out of bed every day....successful.

Birthday Blues

Today is my Mother in-law's birthday and my sister in-law. I tried last night at the grocery store to get her a card but I couldn't do it. I remember reading one that talked about all the changes there are in life but the one constant that remains is a mother. I just started crying in the middle of the isle, dropped the card and went on my way. I am so lucky to have the greatest mother in-law but all I could think about today was that I won't ever be able to tell you Happy Birthday again. I loved your birthday and mother's day because they were the only 2 days of the year where you let us completely take care of you. We got to make you dinner and clean and pamper you. As I look back I think we probably felt like we did much more for you than we actually did, but I loved every opportunity I had to be able to give back to you.

Reality

I think reality is finally starting to hit me. I made it through a month and it was the hardest month of my life. Now I feel worn out and emotionally exhausted. Isn't this over yet? I am just starting to grasp the fact that I am going to have do this for the rest of my life. I really don't know how I'm going to make it.

Dema and Valek are starting to go down hill again. I thought for sure that because Heavenly Father took you from us, he would bless us all that we would be ok. Why aren't they ok? Why are they returning to what they did before you left? It's hard enough to deal with you being gone, I just don't think I can handle them too. And I know Dad can't and shouldn't have to.

Dad's Birthday

Yesterday was Dad's birthday. He turned 54. We made a scrapbook of all the pictures we could find of you. Yes, you heard right, your daughters actually scrapbooked. It is a miracle. It was supposed to be a small travel size one that he could take with him on business trips and such, but we couldn't narrow the pictures down and it ended up bulging. The pictures we have of you are everything to us right now. We couldn't think of anything else to give Dad. What I really wanted to give him was a day without the pain of missing you. I wish i could take it from him.

We played volleyball for his birthday and then had a BBQ after. There were a lot of people there to support him and for that I am grateful.

Homecoming

It was Maddy and Dema's first dance on Saturday. I think they were both very excited to go. All the girls helped get them ready, especially Maddy. I thought they both looked great but Maddy was stunning. When she walked out Dad broke down in tears and kept repeating "I'm so sorry she's not here" It was heart breaking for all of us.

I don't think you were there for my first dance either. You and Dad were out of town on business I am sure. But it is different, you came back and saw pictures and then I knew you would be there for the next dance. Maddy didn't get to describe every little detail to you about her first dance.

I know it's something so small, but to her right now that means a lot to her. She needs a Mom to tell her how beautiful she looks. No matter how many times her sisters tell her, we can't ever make up for you.

The Cabin...

Last week was labor day weekend and we still went up to the cabin. You were supposed to be with us on this trip and had even planned the food for it. It was so hard without you there. On our way up I cried the whole time as memories raced through my head. Christmases, Thanksgivings, 4th of Julys. Almost all my cabin trips I ever took were with you.

I knew we needed to go up there and get it over with but I wished I didn't have to. We tried to make it special like you always made it for us. Big breakfasts in the morning, marshmallow popcorn and lots of activities, but we couldn't replace your presence. Oh how I wished you were still here.

Dad probably had the hardest time out of all of us but he is amazing how he continues to push forward. On Saturday we went on a big hike/horse ride. Of course Dad wouldn't ride the horses at all. Anna and him hiked at first and it he turned around to her about 5 minutes into the hike and just broke down saying "this is so hard". And then he continued to move on with an even quicker pace. How does he do that? At times where I just want to curl up in a ball and seclude myself from the world, he continues to move forward trying to do more than he's ever done before. I admire him so much.

Cameron took my kids to Blue Lake while I was on the hike. I'm almost glad I didn't have to go there. It wasn't that long ago when you took us and the Grandkids there for a picnic. My kids remembered too. They went on the canoes with Dad. I remember your face as you watched Dad with all the grandkids in his canoe. You were so happy, your smile so large as you looked at them with him.

On Sunday night we watched your funeral. It brought me so much peace. I had a resolve to feel joy again and to live each day like you would want me to. It doesn't make it any easier but I know you don't want me to be this sad, so I will try everyday to feel joy. Even if it only lasts a second.

By the way, you have some amazing children as well. I know you know that, but as I listened to the funeral again I just thought "wow we have such a strong family." You raised us that way and I thank you for that. I promise to do all I can do to keep us close and connected through the years.

I love you Mom! Please be with me.

Running away...

Today I feel like running away. Like when I was in 5th grade and I got so mad at my you and Dad that I decided to pack my bags (or bag I should say) and head for the hills. My bag was packed with all the important stuff too, like stuffed animals and such. I left when it was light outside and apparently wasn't very determined because as soon as it got dark I ended up coming home. As I look back on that memory I think my main purpose of leaving was to see if you cared if i was gone. I know it's silly, but in my little 5th graders mind it made sense and was the only way I knew how to express that.

My purpose for wanting to run away today is much different but is probably still silly. I want to forget that you are gone. I want to not have to look at my kids and have that painful reminder that everday away from you is one more day they start to forget you. I want to run away so I don't have to walk into your house and know you won't be there, or to see Dad without you by his side. I don't want to go Homecoming dress shopping with Maddy and the whole time think "this really shouldn't be me doing this, it should be you."

Everywhere I turn here I remember you and how you aren't here anymore. Maybe if I run away to someplace new, with new people then I won't have to remember how painful this is.

I know it wouldn't work though. I know you are too much a part of me that no matter where I went I would be reminded of you. I'm just trying to think of anything I can to make it less painful.

Church

Today I had the most difficult time going to church. It was a difficult day to begin with and I didn't think I could face people today. People are so kind and so concerned and I am so appreciative but sometimes I just want to curl up in a ball and not talk to anyone. Today was one of those days. I suppose its good to talk about you to others. It's just difficult sometimes.

Last night I talked with Arlene for quite some time. She is so sweet and as much as you are alike it is also reassuring how different you are. Because you are unique and can never be replaced. But having Arlene here does help ease the pain. She aches for you too.

Sometimes I feel like I should be functioning better than I am. Why is my laundry so hard to complete, or making dinner, or keeping my house straightened. It's not like these tasks require much thought on my part but I can't seem to bring myself to do them. I just sit on the couch and stare sometimes, trying not to think of you. It's impossible though. My thoughts are with you and your memory 99% of the time and for the 1% of the time I'm not thinking about you I feel guilty.

Girls Camp

A few weeks ago was girls camp in our ward. I was called as camp director and gained much appreciation for you and Grandma Reah who held that calling several times. It was successful and I had so much fun doing it. As I was returning home from camp I called Cameron to let him know I would be home shortly. He informed me that you were coming to pick up the kids and take them swimming. I tried to rush home so I could see them before they left again. When i walked into the house the boys came running to the door to see who it was. Brigham took one look at me and said "you aren't Grandma Dene." Max just started crying. I had been gone all week and they wanted you not me. You showed up 5 minutes later and got the reaction that I was hoping for when I walked through the door. They both ran up to you with open arms yelling "Grandma Dene, Grandma Dene". I couldn't be sad because it was just a sweet sweet moment. They loved you so much and i know they could feel your love as well. I hope they always can.

Cleaning and towels.

Dear Mom,

You raised 9 awesome children. The 3rd child being especially awesome ;) The one thing you forgot to mention to your youngest children is that they do NOT need to shower with a new towel every day. I found 6 in Dema's room and bathroom while cleaning today. 6 towels! I don't even own 6 towels.

Also did you know your house is big. I mean it's really really big. I'm grateful I only have to take care of my little house. Yours is much too large. Me and Andrea cleaned it today and it took us 4 hours.

Anger...

A few days ago I felt my first bout of Anger that you were gone. I really haven't felt angry yet. I've felt sad plenty and distraught plenty, but Anger....no. Well it hit me on Thursday and I took it out on everyone around me. Cameron got the worst of it. He always does with my emotional rollercoasters. It has been especially bad these last few weeks. He loves me though and supports me through everything. I'm so lucky to have him but it's just another painful reminder that Dad doesn't have you there to help him through this.

The Anger came and went quickly, but it was there. I felt angry that you left me and even more angry that you left my kids. Angry the Heavenly Father would take you from us. Angry that my kids wouldn't remember how incredible you are. Angry that I might forget memories of you. Angry that Dad has to live without you. Angry that you won't be there for Maddy's first dance. Angry that you won't be there for Anna's marriage. Etc. Anger doesn't do me a whole lot of good so i put it aside. I'm sure I will feel angry again soon, but for now I just hurt to see you.

Swimming and Volleyball

Yesterday we went swimming with all the Grandkids. Except for Naki, he's in 1st grade now. While Brigham was getting his swimsuit on he quickly reminded me of the last time he went swimming with you at Farmington pool. You are the best grandma. You were so energetic and played with my kids in the water, while i sat on the edge of the pool. You bought the kids snow cones and Brigham dropped his on the ground. He had almost eaten all of it before he dropped it but you couldn't stand to let him cry so you went and got him another one. You always knew how to spoil my kids. And all the grandkids for that matter. When he reminded me of swimming with you I felt pain. What a wonderful memory that should be. But it was only a few weeks ago that you took them there and now you are gone. It doesn't seem real. I still can't believe you are gone.

Max's birthday was only a few weeks ago as well. Remember we all went to Lagoon. You had spent all day doing everything for the Ressler family reunion. It was at your house....even though you weren't supposed to be in charge. You always got sucked into things like that. Even though you had no time. I'm sure you were exhausted by the end of that reunion, but we hopped in the cars and headed to Lagoon. I can still see you smile as you rode on the rides with you grandkids. You were happy, and they were happy to be with you. Me and Cameron left you with our kids for a few hours while we went on some adult rides. I'm so glad we did that, I'm so glad my boys got to be with you.

Today we went to Anna's beach volleyball tournament. It was fun to watch her, but somehow things aren't as fun without you there. Dad seemed lost. He was quiet all day and wouldn't play pepper with Anna when she asked him to. He is trying so hard to do the right things, but he's in so much pain. I ache for the loss of you for myself but even more so for Dad. I wish I could take his pain away. He doesn't know how to live without you. Please help him.

The loss of a mother...

I have so many thoughts swirling around in my head about losing my mom two weeks ago. It was so sudden and unexpected that memories that should be sweet are still painful. I will try and write them down so that hopefully when they become sweet again I will be able to remember them.