Changes, changes and more changes...

So many things have been happening lately and I don't know where to start, but I will say that change has never been my strong suit and lately that's all we've been doing.

A few weeks ago we went on our annual girls trip to Arizona. I know it may sound silly to others but I felt you so strongly while we were in our favorite Chinese restaurant...Flo's. Melissa felt you too. I know you would have been there in person if you could have been. I loved taking those trips with you mainly because I loved how you took care of me while we were there. I would transform from Wife and Mom to just a daughter for a few days. The level of activity was obviously no where near to what it was when you would go but with my being 8 months pregnant I guess I wouldn't have been able to do much anyway. It was so fun to be with Arlene and Coral and their girls but I must admit that seeing them together just made me miss you even more.

While in Arizona we took Maddy shopping for a prom dress and found one that was gorgeous on her. She was prom royalty this year and I couldn't believe how gorgeous she looked. I think she will resemble you the most out of any of your daughters. I am grateful for that and hopes she realizes what a blessing that is. I worry for her so much but at the same time I am so amazed by her strength at times.

Anna left on her mission one week ago today. Getting her ready to go was a lot of work but I must say that it is a good thing it was her and not Denis or Kenny leaving without you there. You know Anna, she can't stand to stand around and she is very ambitious and can also be very demanding. But that's what I love about her. She really has been such a rock for me these past months and letting her leave was seriously one of the hardest things since you died. But I know she will serve well and that this really is the best decision for her.

She did such a great job at her farewell on Sunday too. Dad and Maddy sang "No Ordinary Man" and then Anna invited Mykah up to sing your favorite song. Only Anna would feel brave enough to just do a second musical number without asking for permission. She is so funny.

Anna knew just what she wanted for the food at her farewell and everything had to be just right. She also didn't have a problem delegating all of the food out to friends and family. If you were here you would have been horrified. I remember me and Andrea talking almost exactly a year ago at Denis's farewell at how impressed we were that you could put something on for that many people and you just seemed to know exactly what to do. I turned to Andrea and told her..."I never want to have to do this" and she reassured me by saying "Don't worry your mom as another 15 years to show us how it's done" Well I guess we jinxed ourselves. But I was amazed how everyone pitched in to help...you have such a great family and such amazing friends. You are loved by so many.

Mine and Anna's birthdays were the 2 days before she left. Of course we celebrated on her birthday. (Remember the one year you asked her if we could celebrate our birthday's on my birthday and she threw a fit and told you no?, she is so funny) We went to the Roof. Dad has really grown to rely on Anna a lot lately too and I know it was so hard for him to see her go on Wednesday. I missed you so much on my birthday. Birthdays since getting married and having kids have not been grand but you always knew how to make it special and I realized that you were the only reason it was special. Without you here it feels like nothing is special about it. I was glad that we had so much to do that day that I really didn't have time to dwell on it too much.

Today is mine and Cameron's 6th anniversary which means that it is yours and Dad's 33rd anniversary. My heart is just breaking for him today and I know it's going to be a rough one. I wish I knew what to do to ease his pain. I used to treasure the fact that we were married on the same day as you and Dad and now I think it will just be a painful reminder that I still have my spouse with me and Dad doesn't.

Cameron graduates from PT school on Friday. This is one of the major changes that will be happening in our family. Going from living on Student Loans to getting an actual paycheck will be nice but I feel like this is when real life begins. I know Cameron is so ambitious and will provide well for our family but I hope he finds a job that he loves and that will allow him to be out home with our family.

Speaking of our family we are about to add to it in just 4 weeks. Another major change, and one that I am very very nervous about. Especially nervous because you aren't here and you have been the only reason I made it through my last two babies. I so often feel like I am failing at being a good mom to my 2 boys and to add another one is not going to help that. My only consolation is that I know you know this little guy inside of me and I know that even though he won't remember you there will be a spirit to spirit connection that he will always have. You said you were sending me someone special and I can't wait to meet this special little guy.

Now that Anna is gone on her mission, Dema is back in a boarding school and Valek is no longer living at home all that are left are Mike and Andrea and his family and Maddy. Mike and Andrea will be leaving to Michigan in about 6 weeks and then talk about an empty house with just Dad and Maddy. I hope they both use it for a time to grow together but I am very scared about the lonliness setting in. We are close by and so are Melissa and Sam but it's been so healing to have everyone together and close for the last 9 months. The times that I feel the most at peace is when we are all together. I don't know what is going to happen now that that is all changing.

Anyway, I guess change is good and makes us grow but could you tell Heavenly Father that this much is all I can handle right now and ask him if he could put other changes on hold for a while? Wow I wished it worked that way.

I love you Mom and I miss you terribly. These last few weeks have been extremely difficult for me. I'm not sure why, maybe because of all the events going on, maybe because it's getting close to 1 year that you have been gone. Everyone says that after a year things start getting better but I don't want time to keep going by like this. It just means memories start fading and I would rather have the pain and the vivid memories then lose the pain and have distant memories. Please be with me.