Tuesday, October 13, 2009
Moving on...
Is there such a thing as moving on? I really don't think there is. I feel like life goes on but the pain of having you gone is still always there. I am getting more used to feeling that emptiness and hallowness. I know as soon as I wake up in the morning I will feel it, but it definitely isn't getting easier. I try not to focus on it because I know it will just cause me to break down. But then if I hold it in it catches up to me in a few days and it hits me even worse. I miss you, I really do. Please keep helping me push forward.
Tuesday, October 6, 2009
Cemetery
Yesterday I went to your grave site for the first time since the funeral. I know that is probably bad but I haven't been able to even drive past it, let alone stop at it.
There were beautful roses left on your grave, I wonder who they are from but I think I have a pretty good idea. It was good to be there and felt peaceful. I could feel you. I wouldn't say I could feel you close by, but at least I could feel you. I talked with you for a while, could you hear me? Can you hear me? I have faith that you can. I wish I could talk with you though. I wish you would tell me what to do. I wish you could hold me and tell me everything is going to be alright. I miss you.
There were beautful roses left on your grave, I wonder who they are from but I think I have a pretty good idea. It was good to be there and felt peaceful. I could feel you. I wouldn't say I could feel you close by, but at least I could feel you. I talked with you for a while, could you hear me? Can you hear me? I have faith that you can. I wish I could talk with you though. I wish you would tell me what to do. I wish you could hold me and tell me everything is going to be alright. I miss you.
UEA and Conference Weekend
Mom, this weekend was UEA weekend and your brothers and sisters went up to a cabin again. I wasn't able to go and honestly i don't feel too bad about it because I know how hard it would have been. Melissa went and said it was painful.
It did get me thinking about all the times we went to Grandma's cabin over UEA weekend. It was my favorite trip of the year. I loved being around the cousins with the crisp fall air. Playing in the creek, flag football, night games, Grandma's hikes up the road while she sang the whole way, and of course the homemade doughnuts.
I loved seeing you with your family. It always seemed like you could let go and really be you when you were around them. We would make fun of you when you were cheesy but when you were with your sisters you could be cheesy and silly with them. I know how much you loved your family and how much you liked to be with them. You passed that on to me and for that I am grateful.
This weekend was also conference weekend and we went up to Bear Lake with some friends. It was a nice break from the every day grind and very relaxing. I was thinking this conference of the times we would go up to La Platta for fall General Conference. The leaves were beautiful and we brought the radio with us and listened, had a picnic, went on hikes, etc. It was a really great tradition that I think next year I will start with my own family. There is nothing like being surrounded by all of God's creations while listening to inspiring talks.
Both of these memories just remind me of what a wonderful mother you really are. You gave so much to us to create such beautiful memories. I wish they could be sweet right now but they are still very painful to think about. Someday though I hope to look back without feeling that deep pain but feeling gratitude of the time I did get with you. I love you.
It did get me thinking about all the times we went to Grandma's cabin over UEA weekend. It was my favorite trip of the year. I loved being around the cousins with the crisp fall air. Playing in the creek, flag football, night games, Grandma's hikes up the road while she sang the whole way, and of course the homemade doughnuts.
I loved seeing you with your family. It always seemed like you could let go and really be you when you were around them. We would make fun of you when you were cheesy but when you were with your sisters you could be cheesy and silly with them. I know how much you loved your family and how much you liked to be with them. You passed that on to me and for that I am grateful.
This weekend was also conference weekend and we went up to Bear Lake with some friends. It was a nice break from the every day grind and very relaxing. I was thinking this conference of the times we would go up to La Platta for fall General Conference. The leaves were beautiful and we brought the radio with us and listened, had a picnic, went on hikes, etc. It was a really great tradition that I think next year I will start with my own family. There is nothing like being surrounded by all of God's creations while listening to inspiring talks.
Both of these memories just remind me of what a wonderful mother you really are. You gave so much to us to create such beautiful memories. I wish they could be sweet right now but they are still very painful to think about. Someday though I hope to look back without feeling that deep pain but feeling gratitude of the time I did get with you. I love you.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)