Last week was labor day weekend and we still went up to the cabin. You were supposed to be with us on this trip and had even planned the food for it. It was so hard without you there. On our way up I cried the whole time as memories raced through my head. Christmases, Thanksgivings, 4th of Julys. Almost all my cabin trips I ever took were with you.
I knew we needed to go up there and get it over with but I wished I didn't have to. We tried to make it special like you always made it for us. Big breakfasts in the morning, marshmallow popcorn and lots of activities, but we couldn't replace your presence. Oh how I wished you were still here.
Dad probably had the hardest time out of all of us but he is amazing how he continues to push forward. On Saturday we went on a big hike/horse ride. Of course Dad wouldn't ride the horses at all. Anna and him hiked at first and it he turned around to her about 5 minutes into the hike and just broke down saying "this is so hard". And then he continued to move on with an even quicker pace. How does he do that? At times where I just want to curl up in a ball and seclude myself from the world, he continues to move forward trying to do more than he's ever done before. I admire him so much.
Cameron took my kids to Blue Lake while I was on the hike. I'm almost glad I didn't have to go there. It wasn't that long ago when you took us and the Grandkids there for a picnic. My kids remembered too. They went on the canoes with Dad. I remember your face as you watched Dad with all the grandkids in his canoe. You were so happy, your smile so large as you looked at them with him.
On Sunday night we watched your funeral. It brought me so much peace. I had a resolve to feel joy again and to live each day like you would want me to. It doesn't make it any easier but I know you don't want me to be this sad, so I will try everyday to feel joy. Even if it only lasts a second.
By the way, you have some amazing children as well. I know you know that, but as I listened to the funeral again I just thought "wow we have such a strong family." You raised us that way and I thank you for that. I promise to do all I can do to keep us close and connected through the years.
I love you Mom! Please be with me.
