Failing...

Today has been a really difficult day. One of the most difficult so far. So difficult that I couldn't even go to church today. I was just a wreck. I feel so bad not being able to magnify my calling right now. I am so behind and know that I am failing. I wish I could pull it together and do it. Our Relief Society President really deserves someone better than me. It is her making my life easier and my entire calling is to make her life easier.

I feel like a failure in most aspects of my life lately. Being patient with my kids...failing. Keeping my house clean and organized....failing. Having food to eat...failing. Being a loving and supporting wife....definitely failing. Magnifying my ward calling....failing. Excersising and eating well....failing. Being a good friend....failing. Being organized and timely with my business....failing.

I feel so awful to all of those that I am letting down. I know it's been a month and things should really start getting better for me, but they are not. I am trying to be strong but in all reality I am failing at that as well.

Getting up out of bed every day....successful.

Birthday Blues

Today is my Mother in-law's birthday and my sister in-law. I tried last night at the grocery store to get her a card but I couldn't do it. I remember reading one that talked about all the changes there are in life but the one constant that remains is a mother. I just started crying in the middle of the isle, dropped the card and went on my way. I am so lucky to have the greatest mother in-law but all I could think about today was that I won't ever be able to tell you Happy Birthday again. I loved your birthday and mother's day because they were the only 2 days of the year where you let us completely take care of you. We got to make you dinner and clean and pamper you. As I look back I think we probably felt like we did much more for you than we actually did, but I loved every opportunity I had to be able to give back to you.

Reality

I think reality is finally starting to hit me. I made it through a month and it was the hardest month of my life. Now I feel worn out and emotionally exhausted. Isn't this over yet? I am just starting to grasp the fact that I am going to have do this for the rest of my life. I really don't know how I'm going to make it.

Dema and Valek are starting to go down hill again. I thought for sure that because Heavenly Father took you from us, he would bless us all that we would be ok. Why aren't they ok? Why are they returning to what they did before you left? It's hard enough to deal with you being gone, I just don't think I can handle them too. And I know Dad can't and shouldn't have to.

Dad's Birthday

Yesterday was Dad's birthday. He turned 54. We made a scrapbook of all the pictures we could find of you. Yes, you heard right, your daughters actually scrapbooked. It is a miracle. It was supposed to be a small travel size one that he could take with him on business trips and such, but we couldn't narrow the pictures down and it ended up bulging. The pictures we have of you are everything to us right now. We couldn't think of anything else to give Dad. What I really wanted to give him was a day without the pain of missing you. I wish i could take it from him.

We played volleyball for his birthday and then had a BBQ after. There were a lot of people there to support him and for that I am grateful.

Homecoming

It was Maddy and Dema's first dance on Saturday. I think they were both very excited to go. All the girls helped get them ready, especially Maddy. I thought they both looked great but Maddy was stunning. When she walked out Dad broke down in tears and kept repeating "I'm so sorry she's not here" It was heart breaking for all of us.

I don't think you were there for my first dance either. You and Dad were out of town on business I am sure. But it is different, you came back and saw pictures and then I knew you would be there for the next dance. Maddy didn't get to describe every little detail to you about her first dance.

I know it's something so small, but to her right now that means a lot to her. She needs a Mom to tell her how beautiful she looks. No matter how many times her sisters tell her, we can't ever make up for you.

The Cabin...

Last week was labor day weekend and we still went up to the cabin. You were supposed to be with us on this trip and had even planned the food for it. It was so hard without you there. On our way up I cried the whole time as memories raced through my head. Christmases, Thanksgivings, 4th of Julys. Almost all my cabin trips I ever took were with you.

I knew we needed to go up there and get it over with but I wished I didn't have to. We tried to make it special like you always made it for us. Big breakfasts in the morning, marshmallow popcorn and lots of activities, but we couldn't replace your presence. Oh how I wished you were still here.

Dad probably had the hardest time out of all of us but he is amazing how he continues to push forward. On Saturday we went on a big hike/horse ride. Of course Dad wouldn't ride the horses at all. Anna and him hiked at first and it he turned around to her about 5 minutes into the hike and just broke down saying "this is so hard". And then he continued to move on with an even quicker pace. How does he do that? At times where I just want to curl up in a ball and seclude myself from the world, he continues to move forward trying to do more than he's ever done before. I admire him so much.

Cameron took my kids to Blue Lake while I was on the hike. I'm almost glad I didn't have to go there. It wasn't that long ago when you took us and the Grandkids there for a picnic. My kids remembered too. They went on the canoes with Dad. I remember your face as you watched Dad with all the grandkids in his canoe. You were so happy, your smile so large as you looked at them with him.

On Sunday night we watched your funeral. It brought me so much peace. I had a resolve to feel joy again and to live each day like you would want me to. It doesn't make it any easier but I know you don't want me to be this sad, so I will try everyday to feel joy. Even if it only lasts a second.

By the way, you have some amazing children as well. I know you know that, but as I listened to the funeral again I just thought "wow we have such a strong family." You raised us that way and I thank you for that. I promise to do all I can do to keep us close and connected through the years.

I love you Mom! Please be with me.

Running away...

Today I feel like running away. Like when I was in 5th grade and I got so mad at my you and Dad that I decided to pack my bags (or bag I should say) and head for the hills. My bag was packed with all the important stuff too, like stuffed animals and such. I left when it was light outside and apparently wasn't very determined because as soon as it got dark I ended up coming home. As I look back on that memory I think my main purpose of leaving was to see if you cared if i was gone. I know it's silly, but in my little 5th graders mind it made sense and was the only way I knew how to express that.

My purpose for wanting to run away today is much different but is probably still silly. I want to forget that you are gone. I want to not have to look at my kids and have that painful reminder that everday away from you is one more day they start to forget you. I want to run away so I don't have to walk into your house and know you won't be there, or to see Dad without you by his side. I don't want to go Homecoming dress shopping with Maddy and the whole time think "this really shouldn't be me doing this, it should be you."

Everywhere I turn here I remember you and how you aren't here anymore. Maybe if I run away to someplace new, with new people then I won't have to remember how painful this is.

I know it wouldn't work though. I know you are too much a part of me that no matter where I went I would be reminded of you. I'm just trying to think of anything I can to make it less painful.