Church

Today I had the most difficult time going to church. It was a difficult day to begin with and I didn't think I could face people today. People are so kind and so concerned and I am so appreciative but sometimes I just want to curl up in a ball and not talk to anyone. Today was one of those days. I suppose its good to talk about you to others. It's just difficult sometimes.

Last night I talked with Arlene for quite some time. She is so sweet and as much as you are alike it is also reassuring how different you are. Because you are unique and can never be replaced. But having Arlene here does help ease the pain. She aches for you too.

Sometimes I feel like I should be functioning better than I am. Why is my laundry so hard to complete, or making dinner, or keeping my house straightened. It's not like these tasks require much thought on my part but I can't seem to bring myself to do them. I just sit on the couch and stare sometimes, trying not to think of you. It's impossible though. My thoughts are with you and your memory 99% of the time and for the 1% of the time I'm not thinking about you I feel guilty.

Girls Camp

A few weeks ago was girls camp in our ward. I was called as camp director and gained much appreciation for you and Grandma Reah who held that calling several times. It was successful and I had so much fun doing it. As I was returning home from camp I called Cameron to let him know I would be home shortly. He informed me that you were coming to pick up the kids and take them swimming. I tried to rush home so I could see them before they left again. When i walked into the house the boys came running to the door to see who it was. Brigham took one look at me and said "you aren't Grandma Dene." Max just started crying. I had been gone all week and they wanted you not me. You showed up 5 minutes later and got the reaction that I was hoping for when I walked through the door. They both ran up to you with open arms yelling "Grandma Dene, Grandma Dene". I couldn't be sad because it was just a sweet sweet moment. They loved you so much and i know they could feel your love as well. I hope they always can.

Cleaning and towels.

Dear Mom,

You raised 9 awesome children. The 3rd child being especially awesome ;) The one thing you forgot to mention to your youngest children is that they do NOT need to shower with a new towel every day. I found 6 in Dema's room and bathroom while cleaning today. 6 towels! I don't even own 6 towels.

Also did you know your house is big. I mean it's really really big. I'm grateful I only have to take care of my little house. Yours is much too large. Me and Andrea cleaned it today and it took us 4 hours.

Anger...

A few days ago I felt my first bout of Anger that you were gone. I really haven't felt angry yet. I've felt sad plenty and distraught plenty, but Anger....no. Well it hit me on Thursday and I took it out on everyone around me. Cameron got the worst of it. He always does with my emotional rollercoasters. It has been especially bad these last few weeks. He loves me though and supports me through everything. I'm so lucky to have him but it's just another painful reminder that Dad doesn't have you there to help him through this.

The Anger came and went quickly, but it was there. I felt angry that you left me and even more angry that you left my kids. Angry the Heavenly Father would take you from us. Angry that my kids wouldn't remember how incredible you are. Angry that I might forget memories of you. Angry that Dad has to live without you. Angry that you won't be there for Maddy's first dance. Angry that you won't be there for Anna's marriage. Etc. Anger doesn't do me a whole lot of good so i put it aside. I'm sure I will feel angry again soon, but for now I just hurt to see you.

Swimming and Volleyball

Yesterday we went swimming with all the Grandkids. Except for Naki, he's in 1st grade now. While Brigham was getting his swimsuit on he quickly reminded me of the last time he went swimming with you at Farmington pool. You are the best grandma. You were so energetic and played with my kids in the water, while i sat on the edge of the pool. You bought the kids snow cones and Brigham dropped his on the ground. He had almost eaten all of it before he dropped it but you couldn't stand to let him cry so you went and got him another one. You always knew how to spoil my kids. And all the grandkids for that matter. When he reminded me of swimming with you I felt pain. What a wonderful memory that should be. But it was only a few weeks ago that you took them there and now you are gone. It doesn't seem real. I still can't believe you are gone.

Max's birthday was only a few weeks ago as well. Remember we all went to Lagoon. You had spent all day doing everything for the Ressler family reunion. It was at your house....even though you weren't supposed to be in charge. You always got sucked into things like that. Even though you had no time. I'm sure you were exhausted by the end of that reunion, but we hopped in the cars and headed to Lagoon. I can still see you smile as you rode on the rides with you grandkids. You were happy, and they were happy to be with you. Me and Cameron left you with our kids for a few hours while we went on some adult rides. I'm so glad we did that, I'm so glad my boys got to be with you.

Today we went to Anna's beach volleyball tournament. It was fun to watch her, but somehow things aren't as fun without you there. Dad seemed lost. He was quiet all day and wouldn't play pepper with Anna when she asked him to. He is trying so hard to do the right things, but he's in so much pain. I ache for the loss of you for myself but even more so for Dad. I wish I could take his pain away. He doesn't know how to live without you. Please help him.

The loss of a mother...

I have so many thoughts swirling around in my head about losing my mom two weeks ago. It was so sudden and unexpected that memories that should be sweet are still painful. I will try and write them down so that hopefully when they become sweet again I will be able to remember them.