Wow, what a depressing but fitting title. 1 year ago today my world was flipped upside down. Painful memories are flooding through my mind as I sit here today trying to come to terms with the time that has passed. In some ways it feels like it has been 10 years since I have seen you and felt you and hugged you. In other ways it seems like just yesterday I saw Mike walk down that dreaded hallway at the hospital, too upset to look us in the eye and shaking his head. I couldn't believe that you left us so suddenly. Just days before I was pondering all the things I had to get done that day and yet all I wanted to do was go to your house and see you. I didn't know why I was wanting to get over there so bad, but I guess it makes sense now. I talked to you in your bedroom for a while. You had just gotten out of the shower and were wearing your gold robe putting on your makeup. This is a sight I had seen many many times before. You were so beatiful, even with your hair up in a towel and you wearing your gold robe with no make-up on. I don't remember what we talked about, how I wish I could. I want so badly to remember that last conversation we had.
Another common sight that I miss so much was walking in the front door of your house. I would turn the corner to see you in your tennis clothes and you had your hair up in a pony tail, reading glasses on, sitting at the computer paying bills. You would immediately put your glasses up on your head and smile at me then look past me to spot my boys. Most of the time they would come running in screamming "Grandma Dene, Grandma Dene" and then they would give you a big hug. I miss seeing that. I miss how common it was to come to your house and see you there. I miss how you were such an integrated part of my every day life.
These past few weeks have been difficult. Remember the last few memories we had together has been hard. And now a year ago today I was helping to plan your funeral. Trying to sleep at night and hoping I would wake up and you would still be here. At least the memories before this day were all good ones. Now they are terrible memories. Memories of being without you.
Jude is 2 1/2 months old now and already brought such a sweet spirit into our home. Thank you for sending him. He is perfect and beautiful and sometimes when he smiles I am absolutely sure he is smiling at you. Not having you here for the delivery was really tough but I am so glad I felt you that day. I am so glad you were able to be there and that I was able to feel you. It meant so much to me.
This morning Dad and I hiked up to the radar towers. I was a pathetic companion and kept thinking that if he was with you you would be leaving him in the dust not the other way around. Granted I just had a baby and have not been really good about excercising like I should...but still I felt embarassed. I had a great talk with Dad though and I am grateful for the time I was able to spend with him one on one and hear from him. He is dating now and I always knew he would and I expected it to be really devastating when that day came. But I am not devastated. I have never once questioned his love for you. And it is so good to see his spirit lifted. I am happy for him. And what makes it even easier for me is that I know you would be happy for him as well. I was telling him that. I can't imagine you not wanting him to be really happy. Everything you did while you were here was to make him happy. You were so unselfish and loving...to the point that it drove me a little nuts sometimes. You always put him first. And now you have an even greater eternal perspective. I am convinced that even if you and Dad were ever getting a divorce ( I know that's really hard to believe you ever would have gotten close to that) that you would have still wanted him to find someone that made him happy. I keep feeling your telling me that you want him to be happy and all of us as well.
I love you Mom. I am trying to live my life in a way that you could be proud of. I fall short....ALL the time. But I am trying. This last year has been the hardest year of my life but I made it. And it has made me realize that with the Lord's help I can do anything...even if I don't want to. I miss you. Not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here with us. But I am grateful for the time you did get to spend with us here. I am grateful that you are my Mom. If I would have known the outcome of our family...that you were going to leave us early, that we would feel more heartache than I physically and emotionally thought possible, I wouldn't change a thing. I still would have picked you as my Mom.
