I have faith

Thus far every time I have written to you has been depressing. I guess that is the point of this though, just getting out all of my negative feelings here so I can be more positive in real life. But I do hope you know a couple of positive things....

(1) I have never been so sure that God has a plan for me and that as hard as it is not having you here, I have always felt like your death is part of that plan. I'm not sure why and I still don't feel like it's fair but I have felt you telling me that several times in the last 6 months and I want you to know that you have gotten through. I doesn't make things easier without you but for some reason it does make it more bearable.

(2) I have amazing friends and family that love me. I have been overwhelmed with the amount of love I have been shown by others during these last 6 months. And I'm always amazed at how in tune people are to my feelings.

(3) Dad is amazing. Obviously you know this but I can't get over his strength. He misses you terribly and it hurts me to know that every night he makes the dreaded walk to your bedroom alone. I think seeing Dad hurting is probably as hard to deal with as anything else. And yet every morning he wakes up and gets things done. He has never had a day where he sits around and feels sorry for himself. He continues to push on and forces all of us to follow behind him.

(4) There are some things I am glad you are not here for. I will not go into detail about these, but you know what they are and I am glad that you know the big picture now so you aren't able to be hurt by the things of the world. I always felt protective over you and hated it when someone, especially someone you loved, did something to hurt you. I am glad you cannot be hurt anymore. You deserve that.

It's been a while...

I haven't written in a while. Not that times and things have been easier, just crazier. I am feeling a lot of things right now but mostly sorry for all those around me that are having to deal with difficult things. I wonder if it has always been like this and I have been oblivious to the suffering of the world. Was I really this out of touch with the world? How was I so ignorant? I wish I would have been better about being more sympathetic to those around me. You were so good at that. It is hard to feel sorry for myself when I see how bad others have it, and yet I still do. I still miss you every second of every day. I still wish you were here.

Max had surgery last week and Brigham has surgery this week. The surgeries aren't difficult procedures and I shouldn't be so worried but it has still been hard on me. Cameron has to work and can't be at the hospital with me and I have to have someone watch one of the kids while I'm at the hospital with the other. I am so grateful for Cameron's mom for being so willing to do whatever I need but I am lacking that emotional support I know I would have gotten for you. I know you would have come and sat with me at the hospital, and I know you would have worried for my kids.

There is just no replacement for a mother's love. I've always known that you were irreplaceable but I think I am just beginning to understand the emotional support you offered me while you were still here. The other night I was really feeling sick. I went to bed that night and I was just so upset and I tried to figure out why I was so upset. I needed you. And not in the physical sense. It's not like every time I felt sick I called you to come over and take care of me. In fact I rarely did that. But I guess I always knew you were there and that night was just a painful reminder that you were not there.