Happy Birthday!

Last week was your Birthday. I meant to write this on your birthday but I underestimated how difficult it would be. Growing up, your birthday and mother's day were the 2 days each year that we tried to do everything for you. We would make breakfast for you, dinner for you, clean for you. I wish we would have done that more for you. When I got a little older I would be in charge of all of your gifts. I would get a call from Dad a few days before asking, "what am I getting your mother for her birthday?" I always gave Dad a hard time but honestly I loved doing it for you.

You would have been 55 today and I'm sure you wouldn't have looked a day over 35. Aging always scared you and was something you tried to avoid at all costs. I would never consider you a vain person, you rarely shopped outside of ROSS, and we all know you could have afforded too. But you bought all the anti aging products there were to buy. And you being the so naive and pure always believed they were working. Even if it was a liquid that tasted just like water that you sprayed 2 times into your mouth a day. I love you for that.

Your Birthday we celebrated quite differently than in the past. And honestly it was perfect in so many ways but it was also very emotionally draining. Anna received her endowments on your Birthday. I'm sure you were there along with Grandma. I'm so proud of Anna and the decisions she is making in her life. But the thought of her leaving on a mission is terrifying. She has really been such a help to all of us since you passed and I'm scared to have her gone.

As I watched Anna go through the temple I remembered my first experience in the temple. I was calm and relaxed because you were right beside me the whole time. I knew you knew what I was doing was true and right and that made the experience for me so much less confusing and scary. Not that I understood anything that first time but I knew that going often would fix that. And having my mom with me meant everything. Although we knew you were there we also knew you were missing. It was a harsh reality to have to face that this would be the first of many major events that you would not be a part of.

Arlene was Anna's escort through the temple and it felt right. Because you couldn't be there she is the closest thing to you that we have. Your bond crosses beyond the veil and we all feel that. We love Arlene so much and are grateful that we at least have her. Anna's going through the temple was her gift to you and having Arlene as her escort was your gift to her.

After the temple we all headed up to Park City for a family getaway. The last time with Anna before she leaves to New Hampshire. While up there Dad surprised us with gifts . Maddy opened hers first and pulled out the most beautiful quilt I had ever seen. And then we realized that the entire quilt had been made out of your clothing. I can not express the feeling I had at that moment realizing the service that had just been done for us. We have had so many people do so much for us the last few months and I have been overwhelmed by the kindness and generosity of others but as I realized that a similar quilt had been made for each of us kids the feeling was unlike one I have ever felt. On the back of each quilt is a quote from your journal about your feelings towards each of us. It is beautiful. It was truly a labor of love and just by looking at each of the quilts I knew how much time and energy was spent. It is still unreal to me that these women could be so selfless. My quilt is something I will treasure forever and I hope that I can live a life full of service to pay it forward.

I love you Mom and I hope you were with us on your Birthday as we remembered the amazing life you lived and the legacy you left. I miss you.

I have faith

Thus far every time I have written to you has been depressing. I guess that is the point of this though, just getting out all of my negative feelings here so I can be more positive in real life. But I do hope you know a couple of positive things....

(1) I have never been so sure that God has a plan for me and that as hard as it is not having you here, I have always felt like your death is part of that plan. I'm not sure why and I still don't feel like it's fair but I have felt you telling me that several times in the last 6 months and I want you to know that you have gotten through. I doesn't make things easier without you but for some reason it does make it more bearable.

(2) I have amazing friends and family that love me. I have been overwhelmed with the amount of love I have been shown by others during these last 6 months. And I'm always amazed at how in tune people are to my feelings.

(3) Dad is amazing. Obviously you know this but I can't get over his strength. He misses you terribly and it hurts me to know that every night he makes the dreaded walk to your bedroom alone. I think seeing Dad hurting is probably as hard to deal with as anything else. And yet every morning he wakes up and gets things done. He has never had a day where he sits around and feels sorry for himself. He continues to push on and forces all of us to follow behind him.

(4) There are some things I am glad you are not here for. I will not go into detail about these, but you know what they are and I am glad that you know the big picture now so you aren't able to be hurt by the things of the world. I always felt protective over you and hated it when someone, especially someone you loved, did something to hurt you. I am glad you cannot be hurt anymore. You deserve that.

It's been a while...

I haven't written in a while. Not that times and things have been easier, just crazier. I am feeling a lot of things right now but mostly sorry for all those around me that are having to deal with difficult things. I wonder if it has always been like this and I have been oblivious to the suffering of the world. Was I really this out of touch with the world? How was I so ignorant? I wish I would have been better about being more sympathetic to those around me. You were so good at that. It is hard to feel sorry for myself when I see how bad others have it, and yet I still do. I still miss you every second of every day. I still wish you were here.

Max had surgery last week and Brigham has surgery this week. The surgeries aren't difficult procedures and I shouldn't be so worried but it has still been hard on me. Cameron has to work and can't be at the hospital with me and I have to have someone watch one of the kids while I'm at the hospital with the other. I am so grateful for Cameron's mom for being so willing to do whatever I need but I am lacking that emotional support I know I would have gotten for you. I know you would have come and sat with me at the hospital, and I know you would have worried for my kids.

There is just no replacement for a mother's love. I've always known that you were irreplaceable but I think I am just beginning to understand the emotional support you offered me while you were still here. The other night I was really feeling sick. I went to bed that night and I was just so upset and I tried to figure out why I was so upset. I needed you. And not in the physical sense. It's not like every time I felt sick I called you to come over and take care of me. In fact I rarely did that. But I guess I always knew you were there and that night was just a painful reminder that you were not there.

BaHumbug

I knew the Holidays would be hard. People warned me and I of course couldn't imagine a Christmas without you. It has been harder than I could have ever possibly imagined. I really wish I could just skip it this year. No Christmas....never before has that sounded good but this year it sounds great. Can't I just jump on a plane to Mexico for a few weeks so I miss this season, so everyday I'm not reminded about how much you used to do for us, especially this time of year. 9 kids, 3 in-laws, 7 grandkids and a husband and you somehow made us all feel so special.

I remember helping you on Christmas Eve a few years ago. It was the first time I realized how insane you really were. Stuffed bags full of gifts filled the entire attic in the cabin. And you directed;
"Those socks go to Dema", "There are 3 lip glosses in a target bag that go to Anna, Maddy and Me" "Red Optimus Prime goes to Brigham" " Green Rachet goes to Naki, do you think he'll like that?" "Make sure everyone gets a toothbrush, I think that they are in the smiths bag somewhere" " "Did you get Dad's jeans in the TJ Max bag?" "Do you need anything else for your family because I bought a bunch of extra stocking stuffers for you just in case you didn't have enough. "Now leave because it's my turn to wrap your gifts".

I walked out of the attic that night with my mind spinning a million miles an hour from all the chaos. I was floored at all the thought that you put into every gift. Including our stockings which were always my favorite to open on Christmas day. I've just found out that a personalized stocking that you did for us is not a common occurrence in every household. Not one thing you put in our stocking was put in there without being personalized for us....even down to the candy you put in there. The craziest part about that night is the lack of a list. You hadn't written anything down...it was all being stored in your head and you preformed beautifully. Everyone got an equal amount of presents. Grandkids were well taken care of. And the gifts meant for Christmas Eve were accounted for and put under the tree. I realized that the very few times that I opened a gift on Christmas day and it was Kenny's shirt or something else random that if that was the only mistake you made you should have been given some sort of an award. You were a Christmas genius.

You left some pretty big shoes to fill. Do you realize we will never be able to do Christmas as well as you did? Thanksgiving too. It is overwhelming just thinking about it. I just think about how many hours went into the Christmas presents but the food was a whole other adventure. Pies making, candy making, homemade rolls, etc... Everything was perfect. And all day you were in the kitchen preparing and then on Christmas morning again in the kitchen making breakfast. Never once thinking about yourself, only about us.

As a kid I always wondered why you were the last one to even get started on opening your gifts. We would always have to sit you down and make you do it. But I know realize it's because you were too worried about everyone else that you didn't have time to think about yourself. And how pathetic of us to get you an outfit and pretend that that was enough to offset all the many hours of hard work you put in over the Christmas season. That the outfit would be thanks enough for everything you had done for us.

Now do you understand why during this season I can't walk down the make up isle in target and see lip gloss and not just break down? Or every time I see a Christmas decoration be reminded of how magnificent your house was decorated this time of year and how my boys loved going over to your house too see all the fun things you had out. You were my Christmas, everything I did for Christmas had you in it. And I know it will never be the same and that I will need to face this holiday sooner or later because there are so many more years you won't be here with us. But just for this year I wish I could stop it from coming. I wish there was some way to avoid it.

Almost 3 months

Is that a good thing or a bad thing? In some ways it feels good because I never thought I would make it a week without you and now I have made it almost 3 months, it gives me hope that we will continue on and be ok. But mostly it is hard to think that I haven't been able to see you or talk to you for that long. It hurts that I am able to live life without you in it. I don't want to be ok without you, is that weird? It hurts that I am getting more used to you not being in our day to day lives. I know it is part of the process but sometimes I wish it was still only a week ago so that the memories could be as fresh as they were when you passed. The hurt was unbareable then but I least I had just talked to you and felt your love for me.

I need to take it down

Your obituary and funeral program are still on my fridge. They remind me everyday of what I have lost and I rarely look at them without getting a huge pit in my stomach. I have been trying to take them down lately but I just can't seem to do it. I do love seeing your face everyday. And I don't want to forget anything about you. I wish I could remember every freckle and every wrinkle (although you didn't have many). I wish our mortal memories weren't so flawed. As hard as it is for me to start forgetting those little things about you it is even harder for me to know that my boys will most likely forget you altogether. That kills me. I guess I will leave you up on my fridge for them....and for me. I love you.

Declaration...

So Dad told us right after your funeral that we had just stood up in front a whole lot of people and made a declaration of faith and that we needed to be careful to keep that. I was thinking "no problem, I've never needed the gospel more than I need it now in my life, this trial is only going to increase my faith." Well little did I expect that Satan would test us for the next few months without you here. I guess he wants to see if we are really committed. It seems like one thing after the other is going wrong. I'm not trying to complain but for some reason I thought that because we lost you we were exempt from other trials for a while. Wow am I naive. I have decided that it is not the big trials that test my faith it is the small ones after a big one that are the hardest to cope with. I know we are being blessed too. I guess I need to focus on those instead of the bad. It's hard to try to handle these situations on my own. You were always here for me encouraging me and being my greatest example. I love you and miss you.