BaHumbug

I knew the Holidays would be hard. People warned me and I of course couldn't imagine a Christmas without you. It has been harder than I could have ever possibly imagined. I really wish I could just skip it this year. No Christmas....never before has that sounded good but this year it sounds great. Can't I just jump on a plane to Mexico for a few weeks so I miss this season, so everyday I'm not reminded about how much you used to do for us, especially this time of year. 9 kids, 3 in-laws, 7 grandkids and a husband and you somehow made us all feel so special.

I remember helping you on Christmas Eve a few years ago. It was the first time I realized how insane you really were. Stuffed bags full of gifts filled the entire attic in the cabin. And you directed;
"Those socks go to Dema", "There are 3 lip glosses in a target bag that go to Anna, Maddy and Me" "Red Optimus Prime goes to Brigham" " Green Rachet goes to Naki, do you think he'll like that?" "Make sure everyone gets a toothbrush, I think that they are in the smiths bag somewhere" " "Did you get Dad's jeans in the TJ Max bag?" "Do you need anything else for your family because I bought a bunch of extra stocking stuffers for you just in case you didn't have enough. "Now leave because it's my turn to wrap your gifts".

I walked out of the attic that night with my mind spinning a million miles an hour from all the chaos. I was floored at all the thought that you put into every gift. Including our stockings which were always my favorite to open on Christmas day. I've just found out that a personalized stocking that you did for us is not a common occurrence in every household. Not one thing you put in our stocking was put in there without being personalized for us....even down to the candy you put in there. The craziest part about that night is the lack of a list. You hadn't written anything down...it was all being stored in your head and you preformed beautifully. Everyone got an equal amount of presents. Grandkids were well taken care of. And the gifts meant for Christmas Eve were accounted for and put under the tree. I realized that the very few times that I opened a gift on Christmas day and it was Kenny's shirt or something else random that if that was the only mistake you made you should have been given some sort of an award. You were a Christmas genius.

You left some pretty big shoes to fill. Do you realize we will never be able to do Christmas as well as you did? Thanksgiving too. It is overwhelming just thinking about it. I just think about how many hours went into the Christmas presents but the food was a whole other adventure. Pies making, candy making, homemade rolls, etc... Everything was perfect. And all day you were in the kitchen preparing and then on Christmas morning again in the kitchen making breakfast. Never once thinking about yourself, only about us.

As a kid I always wondered why you were the last one to even get started on opening your gifts. We would always have to sit you down and make you do it. But I know realize it's because you were too worried about everyone else that you didn't have time to think about yourself. And how pathetic of us to get you an outfit and pretend that that was enough to offset all the many hours of hard work you put in over the Christmas season. That the outfit would be thanks enough for everything you had done for us.

Now do you understand why during this season I can't walk down the make up isle in target and see lip gloss and not just break down? Or every time I see a Christmas decoration be reminded of how magnificent your house was decorated this time of year and how my boys loved going over to your house too see all the fun things you had out. You were my Christmas, everything I did for Christmas had you in it. And I know it will never be the same and that I will need to face this holiday sooner or later because there are so many more years you won't be here with us. But just for this year I wish I could stop it from coming. I wish there was some way to avoid it.

Almost 3 months

Is that a good thing or a bad thing? In some ways it feels good because I never thought I would make it a week without you and now I have made it almost 3 months, it gives me hope that we will continue on and be ok. But mostly it is hard to think that I haven't been able to see you or talk to you for that long. It hurts that I am able to live life without you in it. I don't want to be ok without you, is that weird? It hurts that I am getting more used to you not being in our day to day lives. I know it is part of the process but sometimes I wish it was still only a week ago so that the memories could be as fresh as they were when you passed. The hurt was unbareable then but I least I had just talked to you and felt your love for me.

I need to take it down

Your obituary and funeral program are still on my fridge. They remind me everyday of what I have lost and I rarely look at them without getting a huge pit in my stomach. I have been trying to take them down lately but I just can't seem to do it. I do love seeing your face everyday. And I don't want to forget anything about you. I wish I could remember every freckle and every wrinkle (although you didn't have many). I wish our mortal memories weren't so flawed. As hard as it is for me to start forgetting those little things about you it is even harder for me to know that my boys will most likely forget you altogether. That kills me. I guess I will leave you up on my fridge for them....and for me. I love you.

Declaration...

So Dad told us right after your funeral that we had just stood up in front a whole lot of people and made a declaration of faith and that we needed to be careful to keep that. I was thinking "no problem, I've never needed the gospel more than I need it now in my life, this trial is only going to increase my faith." Well little did I expect that Satan would test us for the next few months without you here. I guess he wants to see if we are really committed. It seems like one thing after the other is going wrong. I'm not trying to complain but for some reason I thought that because we lost you we were exempt from other trials for a while. Wow am I naive. I have decided that it is not the big trials that test my faith it is the small ones after a big one that are the hardest to cope with. I know we are being blessed too. I guess I need to focus on those instead of the bad. It's hard to try to handle these situations on my own. You were always here for me encouraging me and being my greatest example. I love you and miss you.

Moving on...

Is there such a thing as moving on? I really don't think there is. I feel like life goes on but the pain of having you gone is still always there. I am getting more used to feeling that emptiness and hallowness. I know as soon as I wake up in the morning I will feel it, but it definitely isn't getting easier. I try not to focus on it because I know it will just cause me to break down. But then if I hold it in it catches up to me in a few days and it hits me even worse. I miss you, I really do. Please keep helping me push forward.

Cemetery

Yesterday I went to your grave site for the first time since the funeral. I know that is probably bad but I haven't been able to even drive past it, let alone stop at it.

There were beautful roses left on your grave, I wonder who they are from but I think I have a pretty good idea. It was good to be there and felt peaceful. I could feel you. I wouldn't say I could feel you close by, but at least I could feel you. I talked with you for a while, could you hear me? Can you hear me? I have faith that you can. I wish I could talk with you though. I wish you would tell me what to do. I wish you could hold me and tell me everything is going to be alright. I miss you.

UEA and Conference Weekend

Mom, this weekend was UEA weekend and your brothers and sisters went up to a cabin again. I wasn't able to go and honestly i don't feel too bad about it because I know how hard it would have been. Melissa went and said it was painful.

It did get me thinking about all the times we went to Grandma's cabin over UEA weekend. It was my favorite trip of the year. I loved being around the cousins with the crisp fall air. Playing in the creek, flag football, night games, Grandma's hikes up the road while she sang the whole way, and of course the homemade doughnuts.

I loved seeing you with your family. It always seemed like you could let go and really be you when you were around them. We would make fun of you when you were cheesy but when you were with your sisters you could be cheesy and silly with them. I know how much you loved your family and how much you liked to be with them. You passed that on to me and for that I am grateful.

This weekend was also conference weekend and we went up to Bear Lake with some friends. It was a nice break from the every day grind and very relaxing. I was thinking this conference of the times we would go up to La Platta for fall General Conference. The leaves were beautiful and we brought the radio with us and listened, had a picnic, went on hikes, etc. It was a really great tradition that I think next year I will start with my own family. There is nothing like being surrounded by all of God's creations while listening to inspiring talks.

Both of these memories just remind me of what a wonderful mother you really are. You gave so much to us to create such beautiful memories. I wish they could be sweet right now but they are still very painful to think about. Someday though I hope to look back without feeling that deep pain but feeling gratitude of the time I did get with you. I love you.